It is What it Is

Relaxing, sipping alka-seltzer, and eating meringue cookies, I am truly content with where I sit. My stomach isn't content with all this "new" food after months and months of clean eating (hence the alka-seltzer), but hey, a new passion for baking (hence the meringues) has been ignited in my soul and I ain't gonna complain.

I DIDN'T WIN MISS KENTUCKY. There, it's out! Most, probably all, of you know that because you are amazing and have been such loyal supporters of that unique chapter in my life. Before I dig deep into all the emotions--and there are many, many emotions--of non-winning I want you to know that this is a no pity zone. That chapter of my life is and was a chapter. It ended and the story continued, just like that.

Becoming Miss America was one of the first real goals I ever set. Ten years ago, I decided I would become Miss Kentucky 2013 and subsequently Miss America 2014. Why exactly I chose those particular years, I don't know, but it sounded right to 13-year-old Kiley.

In 2013, I was named first runner up to Jenna Day--close, but not quite there. What did I do when Plan A fell through? I readjusted my plan ever so slightly. I would be Miss Kentucky 2014, Miss America 2015.

I am well aware of the "1st Runner Up" curse. The 'too good to be true, it's "your" turn, better live up to expectation' expectation everyone has...but forget about everyone else. I am the only one who controls how much or how little I prepare. To prevent the "curse" from ringing true, I made sure to put in the hours. I won't go into all the details of my prep, because who cares now? The point is, I worked harder than I, Kiley, had ever worked before. I didn't love every second of it, but I was convinced it would all add up to the greatest sum: the achievement of a goal I set long before I realized I had no control over it whatsoever.

To compare what I felt the week of Miss Kentucky to the feeling of complete knowingness and conscious acceptance of the role in the hundreds of days leading up to it, would be comparing hot fudge to a hairbrush. 

For starters, my hair gave me 'tude all week long, I had the biggest of all zits EVER (I called her Big Mama and she lived on my chin), and the healthy, fit body I had worked so hard for was tired and not responding well to food or caffeine. Mentally, I powered through it, because the name of the game is mind over matter. But, no amount of mental or physical preparation (nor the perfect balance of the two) can change your fate. So, there's that.

The night before my interview, Big Mama packed her bags, left town, and I felt the favor of the universe! At least this tiny thing was going to go my way. I got ready and snapped a mirror pic (c'mon, we ALL do it) and thought "if nothing else, I FEEL good for the first time all week." 

I've struggled with the idea of re-visiting my interview, but really, all I can say is this: it wasn't my best and it wasn't my worst. MOVING ON! It gets better.

On Thursday night I competed in the Swimsuit and Evening Gown portions of competition. Although I didn't come away with a preliminary swimsuit award, I didn't trip/fall nor did my butt glue malfunction--a successful night, indeed. 

Then comes Friday. On Friday, I performed talent and answered an onstage question about my platform issue. Talent, which accounts for the most points, and Onstage Question (OSQ), which accounts for the least, can be the two most daunting phases of competition if you let them. 

I don't get wrapped up in worry and dread over OSQ. In fact, I get more nervous for evening gown, where there is a REAL possibility my shoe will get caught in the lining of my dress and, like Humpty Dumpty, I will have a great fall.

But to even get to OSQ, I must first perform my talent. And this is where it gets good. As you may know, I play piano. This year, I chose to perform Fantasie Impromptu by Frederic Chopin. There's a long story explaining the reasons why I chose this piece, but in short...It was a PERSONAL challenge.

From the moment I first sat down to learn this piece to the moment I took the stage last Friday night, I was aware that I needed to nail it. This piece demands that you play it, and I mean really play it, and if you don't, I'm sure Mr. Chopin would prefer you simply not try.

Aside from all the expectations associated with this piece, throw in my mild case of stage fright. I don't know when it began, but I've had performance anxiety for at least a couple of years. It is really, REALLY annoying. My hands turn to ice and then start to sweat, my heart races uncontrollably, and most recently, I developed a tremor in my right leg--the one that controls the pedal.

But last Friday night, standing backstage, wrapped in a piano-themed fuzzy blanket, and clutching my Hot Hands for dear life, I felt a never-before-experienced wave of calm wash over my entire body. This happened in the very moments before the stage manager, Ms. Mary, told me it was time to shed my blanket and ditch the Hot Hands. 

And, I don't even know how to describe what happened next...except that I played that piano into. the. ground. If only you could have seen it.

I'm working on finding video evidence. Until I do, I'm holding onto what it felt like to completely lose myself in the piece--something I do regularly in my own home--in front of such a large audience. There were no sticky fingers, no shaky leg, no little voice in my head reminding me that all eyes are on me. The only little voice I heard was the one that said "um, this is really, really good"at some point near the end of the piece.

I finished and took my bow. By the time I stepped off stage, I was in tears. So many tears. So many happy tears. I proved to myself that I AM an excellent pianist. And, regardless of the outcome, I did all I really came there to do.

24 hours from the time I cried my happy tears, I cried sad ones. The new Miss Kentucky was crowned and it wasn't me. Nor would it ever be. I had exhausted my chances; competed for the very last time. I couldn't believe it was over, but right below the sadness, there was a sense of contentedness I never expected to feel. And in another 24 hours, I had already cried over it for the last time.

The thing about it is....no matter how hard I worked, and how "ready" I was, the decision was ultimately left up to the opinions of the five people given the task of selecting Miss Kentucky 2014. There was literally not ONE thing I would have done differently or could have done better. I showed up. I performed. And I killed it. Zero regrets had here.

There are SO many people to thank...not for my successes, but for simply BEING THERE. There isn't enough room to start here. Perhaps, I'll make room for a special Tuesday blog post? Yes? YES.

With that being said, CONGRATULATIONS to the new Miss Kentucky, Ramsey Carpenter! She has an incredible year ahead of her. I wish her safe travels and the best of luck as she tours the Bluegrass as our state's representative. Oh, and not to mention, as she hits the road for Atlantic City to compete for the title of Miss America 2015!!!

My favorite picture of us!

I want to take this time to S/O to the people that made my week FUN! Here are a few, but by no means all, of the girl(friends) who have left giant ole' footprints on my healing heart. I've never laughed so hard in such a stressful environment. I'm forever indebted to you!

My roommate, Kathleen!

Live Love Local advocate and friend, Hillary!

Ashley, Ramsey, and I posing for a picture at the UK Children's Miracle Network Hospital.

April, Miranda, and I after the Dillard's Fashion Show...before 'The Pub' pasta happened.

Accepting our Duke of Edinburgh Award Medals on Friday Night

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On Sunday, July 13th, I hung out with the coolest second family I could ask for. They have served as cheerleaders, life coaches, friends, and exercise buddies. On Sunday, they took my mind off everything pageant-related and helped me spend the first day of the rest of my life in total relaxation! I had a wonderful time with them exploring the Henry Clay Estate in Lexington.

REUNITED! With both Daniel AND Ski.

SWOON. 

As it turns out, I'm right where I need to be. I'm making plans and setting new goals, and am excited for a road trip with THIS GUY (^^^) scheduled for late August.

It shall be great.