The Art of Self-Sabotage

If you could learn something about me based on the content of my Pinterest account, it's that I really, really love nail art, coffee, and inspirational quotes.

Most mornings, if I'm not running late (so, some mornings) I take half an hour or so to sit on the couch with my cat and a cup of coffee and scroll through the "quotes" category on Pinterest--my version of a mini motivational speech every morning. I may find a lot or a little content that I really connect with, but I absorb a lot of what I see; sometimes a blessing and sometimes a curse.

This week it was a blessing. At the time, I didn't realize something was bugging me...but as I was getting in bed one night, my brain was searching for the specific and very accurate wording of a quote I had apparently glazed right over. I lay in bed, phone above my face, scrolling and searching and scrolling and searching...

Until ALAS. It appeared: 

In competition, and specifically in pageants, you hear a lot about sabotage. I, for one, have maybe only witnessed this once. But let's be real. As much time as I spend in preparation for Miss Kentucky, my life is not a pageant. In my real life, I am sabotaged on the regular. What's most interesting is that it's not others I have to watch out for. It's me.

Since graduating from college, I've said "I'm so stressed out, I'll never get it done, there isn't enough time, I have too much to do" more times than I can count. Let's be real again. I need to stop the whining.

The truth is, I'll never get it all done if I'm putting too much on my plate. So, I simply started paying attention to the source and timing of my stress—whether from work, relationships, or Miss KY prep—and I found that my self-sabotage lies in my method of measuring hard work.

My personal brand of self-sabotage. Basically, when I'm at my most productive, I feel completely out of control. On the rare days that I get everything on my list done before dark, I’m frantically trying to remember what I’ve forgotten. I can’t relax if I "haven't worked hard enough"...because isn't the measure of success slaving away from dawn to dusk? (Kiley’s brain says YEP) Is this helpful? Do I get more accomplished? Negative. Most of the time, I feel so overwhelmed I end up taking a two-hour nap. And this does nothing for me except take me from 0 to 60 on the grouch scale.

The self-sabotage cocktail of doom.
Add my impossible standard of success to another common theme of a past Kiley: playing the comparison game. The comparison game is when play your behind-the-scenes against someone else’s highlight reel. Aka: The worst thing you can do. 

I do this and my inner dialogue starts a-rollin'...

“My card designs are boring, I don’t run fast enough, I would never survive the Hunger Games, my calves aren’t proportionate with the rest of my leg (YES, that is a ‘thing’), my writing style is too simple, I'm not good at sudoku puzzles so I'm a failure, I don’t know enough about [insert random topic]…” It just goes on. 

And on.

And on. 

As I'm climbing the ladder toward my goals--that seems more like climbing Mt. Everest--my logical, sensible self recognizes that no two people reach the same end point in the same way. Yet, that little voice keeps telling me that my way is wrong and everyone else’s must be right.

Doctor, IS THERE A CURE? 

Yeah! I'll be blunt. I just told myself to SHUT UP. Eventually, you realize you've got POWER over that little voice in your head. You realize it isn't pre-programmed....instead, it is a customizable, adjustable little setting you can even switch completely off if you so choose. I found it easiest to redesign the structure of dialogue in my brain when I pretended it sounded like me if I were a really energetic, inspirational aerobics instructor who talks in all caps.

“YOU GOT THIS!”

“GO AT YOUR OWN PACE!”

“YOU’RE *KILLING IT*”

“TAKE A WATER BREAK IF YOU NEED IT!”

“LOOK AT YOU, GURL!”

“YEAH! HIGH KICK!”

“MODIFY THIS MOVE IF YOU’RE A BEGINNER!”

Sometimes "Aerobics Instructor Kiley" gets a little annoying. And that's when I shut her off. But she sure is nice to have around for all those times I let my inner voice bully me into thinking I'm not totally awesome....because, let's be real. I am awesome.

AND SO ARE YOU.

I don't know if you all needed to read this as much as I needed to write it... but either way, each day we're granted the chance to get out of bed and make something of ourselves. We must remember that no one can hurt our chances at success quite like we can! And if you EVER let anyone tell you Pinterest is a waste of time...find your inner aerobics instructor and high kick some sense into them.

With that in mind, I'm feelin' pretty darn fabulous and I hope you are too. See y'all next week!